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Sunday, April 8th, 2007
10:30 pm
There were movies that I am interested in for 2007 but the one that meant the most to me was the debut of GRINDHOUSE- the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez double feature collaboration. The more I read about the film, the more anxious I was to see it. Now, Quentin Tarantino means the absolute world to me. I love his films. I always knew I wanted to be a writer. Writing was always the thing I loved doing the most- however, I never knew how I wanted to utilize it. Whether it would be in film, television, poetry, novels, etc. Then when I saw PULP FICTION in the theater, I had a revelation. Film was definitely the path I wanted to pursue. No matter how hard it was. I wanted to do it.

I never saw someone flip the script on generic movies and just really make something so captivating. Clever storytelling, great characters, excellent direction and dialogue. And it's dialogue that is witty yet if you really think about it, the shit that most normal people talk about. Ever since then, I've been a devout Tarantino follower. So devout that I would watch anything Quentin makes- even if he makes a 3 hour period piece to the wonders of menopause. I would still watch that. Quentin was just a regular guy who never went to film school- who was just a geek of cinema/tv like myself. I always saw a kindred spirit in him thus, I am a disciple of Tarantino. And not ashamed to say that.

Rodriguez I love as well (although admittedly, I'm not as avid a fan of his as I am Quentin)- I think El Mariachi is a masterpiece and SIN CITY remains the best film Rodriguez has done as of yet. But he's balls to wall action and delivers the high octane thrills that are missing in film. And he earns my respect because Rodriguez is one of the best action directors out there. And quite frankly, he understands the beauty of visuals and he is responsible for great imagery in his movies.

So, Tarantino and Rodriguez team up for the double feature, Grindhouse- their homage to exploitation flicks that were so out there and hardcore that they could only play in the grindhouse movie houses that were so popular in the 1970s particularly. The joy I felt when I saw this movie is hard to describe. I just didn't feel like I was watching a movie- I felt like it was an event. This movie basically had me feeling the nostalgia I would for a movie from the 1970s- a time when movies actually meant something and allowed certain freedom with storytelling.

I have seen the movie twice already- once was on Tuesday for a premiere screening that was mainly for press but there were fortunately free tickets being given away the previous weekend for the premiere. After the premiere, I walked home until past 1am in the morning- on foot. But it didn't matter. Because a Tarantino flick is worth my feet hurting me. I will only go out of my way for his films. Fuck pain- if I can have the joy of seeing a new Tarantino film- I'll go through pain.

The movie opens with the old school "coming attractions" tag that one would see in theaters way back when. The first faux trailer plays to the audience it is:


Oh man...you could tell this was the work of Rodriguez (which it is) because of the shameless absurdity of the violence and for shining the spotlight on one of his favorites- Danny Trejo. This fake trailer was outstanding- it captured what the feel and attitude of these grindhouse flicks really are. Basically, "Machete" is a federale from Mexico who is hired to do assassination jobs for hardly any money- but to him is a great amount of cash. But he is set up, which drives Machete to revenge. He teams up with his priest brother (Cheech Marin who plays according to what the credits say- Father Benecio Del Toro..lol) and seeks vengeance on those who tried to wrong him. You can't go wrong with anything with Danny Trejo. You can't go wrong with Cheech Marin shooting at everyone while a priest. And also you can't go wrong with the tagline of Machete:

"They just fucked with the wrong Mexican!"

Fucking priceless.

Now time for the feature presentation:

The first part of the double feature starts and it's Rodriguez's contribution. We start off with Rodriguez's rollicking GRINDHOUSE main title score and visuals of Cherry Darling (Rose McGowan) dancing erotically at a gogo club. As the song ends, Cherry is crying- with tears streaming her face. Love that visual. Sort of reminded me on Man Ray's "Tears" photo. I've often complained in the past about Rose McGowan's lack of range but I've also attributed that to the lackluster roles she was given throughout the years. Rodriguez seems to UNDERSTAND her completely and gives her meaty material to actually work with. Anyway, Cherry decides to leave her gogo job and pursue other avenues with her life/career. She departs and sees briefly on the road- Abby (played by Naveen Andrews- who plays Sayid on LOST)- a scientist who is about profit more than he is about actual science. We see Abby finding out that three zombie like creatures have escaped and could possibly contaminate the town.

Well, Abby requests something from the guy who botched up and allowed the test subjects to escape. What that is? Well besides his life- he wants the guy's balls. Literally. Then, tables turn on Abby when Lt. Muldoon (Bruce Willis) wants to know "Where is the shit?"

Abby dodges death by shooting at tanks releasing a gas into the air- which pleases Muldoon and his men (whose faces are near to explode from bubbling pustules). Abby escapes and we see Cherry Darling eating at JT's Grill ("Best in Texas" as JT often likes to remind us)- she meets up with her old boyfriend, El Wray (Freddy Rodriguez in a stellar performance). The two discuss the ending of their relationship and Wray keeps lamenting that Cherry stole his jacket that he has been looking for nearly 2 weeks. He does oblige to give her a ride while we meet the unhappily married couple of Dr. William Block (Josh Brolin) and Dr. Dakota Block (Marley Shelton). Dakota is planning on running away with her ex lesbian lover (played by Fergie). However, Dakota's plans go awry when the zombie infection plagues the hospital- and ultimately ends up with her ex lover, Tammy being a casualty of the zombies in the process.

Doc Block adds up two and two and confronts Dakota about it in a chilling scene- and breaks her down (with the assistance of some "friends" that Dakota discussed earlier) and confirms her betrayal. Before he can kill her, Doc Block is called to oversee the whole hell that has been flooding the hospital. El Wray and Cherry are attacked by the zombies- causing Cherry to lose her leg. We cut to Wray in the hospital and the arrival of Sheriff Hauge (Michael Biehn who was wonderfully cast- the guy was Hicks in ALIENS, fucking Reese in Terminator- was in the Abyss. The guy is SOLID for days)- who believes that Wray is a menace, arrests him. Also I had to love that Biehn is supported by Tom Savini and Carlos Gallardo (the original fucking El Mariachi!) as his deputies. Savini is given some good material and although Carlos was offed very quickly by the bloodthirsty zombies- the guy is always great.

By the way, lots of small references here in there in the movie. El Wray is given a pack of Red Apples cigarettes (referring to PULP FICTION and KILL BILL- that brand name is a QT staple) and also a major death in the next movie, DEATH PROOF is mentioned. "Jungle Julia: In Memorial" is said on the radio. So, Death Proof is chronologically ahead of PLANET TERROR if we are to take things into consideration.

But I almost forgot about the plot...I'm sorry, I was getting lost in the sheer joy of the flick. The movie kicks into overdrive with the zombies now increasing their numbers and attacking everyone. Doc Block has been infected but Dakota escapes being trapped in a closet and manages to contact her father- Texas Ranger Earl McGraw. Great choice to bring Earl back (he was in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, KILL BILL)- he's one of the greatest characters that Tarantino ever wrote for and for God's sake, Michael Parks OWNS that role. His delivery, and his lines are sheer genius. He's the quintessential movie cowboy. You have to love him. And the line: "Goddamn woman, you're farting like a pack mule" is classic. You just have to hear Michael deliver that line. And Earl is on his way- while Dakota grabs her son from (and this is what the credits labeled them as and I get a little giddy saying it): The Crazy Babysitting Twins. Can Rodriguez put them in every single one of his movies? I love these insane putas.

"We gonna kill you ya fucking bitch!!!" You have to see these real life twins being complete terrorizing bitches. I absolute adore them. Kudos Robert on casting them. So, during the midst of the action, El Wray manages to rescue Cherry and replaces her missing leg with a table leg which has to be one of the funniest things I've ever seen. And El Wray also manages to enter the hospital and kicks ass in one of the greatest bad-ass entrances ever. The dude does a gravity-defying Bruce Lee run up and off the wall before dispensing of the zombies in all its gory beauty.

Later on Cherry and El Wray realize they have feelings for each still and have sex. In the midst of the steamy love scene- we see that there is a MISSING REEL and that the rest of the sex scene is gone along with important plot points. We cut to JT's Grill- which is now on fire. I love shit like that in the film. Intentionally doing that and despite that, the transition seems like a natural one. However, The Sheriff learns El Wray's true history according to dialogue (and must have happened during the missing reel)- and orders his surviving deputy (who accidentally shot Hauge in between the missing reel) to give El Wray all the guns he needs. With El Wray's leadership- the town survivors manage to escape. Dakota is in tow (her son died by accidentally shooting himself. Too bad cause the kid's line, "I want to eat your brains and gain your knowledge" when he was playing with his toys was absolutely adorable) with them along with the Crazy Babysitting Twins, Cherry's former boss and others. Poor Tom Savini gets offed in a very grisly way that honors Savini perfectly.

Muldoon's men capture the survivors and throw them in with other "rebels" including Abby from earlier. He reveals to them that these men are depending on the gas like a drug of a sort- and Quentin guest stars in the outing by playing Louis "The Rapist"- a deviant who cannot wait to fuck Cherry. He likes her stump because it makes her less likely to get away. Why is Quentin always cast as the pervert/deviant? I swear, first it's Richard Gecko and now it's this. But Quentin is good and manages to deliver chills with his line about Cherry not looking like Ava Gardner if he shoots her. Cherry calling him a tool afterwards was beautiful.

El Wray manages to round up everybody and escape- while Sheriff Houge and JT (brothers in the film) stay behind. Abby and El Wray find out from Muldoon what the hell is going on. Apparently, he killed Bin Laden- and his great reward was his men and him being infected with this gas. They need more of it to survive but Muldoon laments that he had no choice. El Wray manages to end Muldoon's pain by killing him. The Rapist is looking for a fun time with Cherry but she manages to use her "useless talents" to hurt The Rapist. And I MEAN HURT HIM. El Wray finds his girl and equips her with a gun for a new leg. How the fuck can you top that? That is just too cool. Cherry starts kicking ass and the rebels realize they are the potential antidote because they are not infected. They try to board two helicopters that will take them to Mexico. Abby dies (more like his head gets blown up) and El Wray dies in the firefight. He tells Cherry that it will indeed be the "Two of them against the world". Soon it will be at least. He never misses- as he points towards her soon to be pregnant stomach. With tears in her eyes, Cherry leaves with the survivors as El Wray dies.

Later, Cherry explains that things worked out exactly like Wray told her it would. She is leading the hopeless, the survivors- and taking them to the new home for the second wave of humanity in Mexico. Complete with an update for her leg naturally.

Great first installment. I like the in your face gore and non-stop action of this film. And again, Michael Parks was utilized wonderfully as Earl McGraw. He came back at the end to waste the zombified Doc Block. "I never liked that sonofabitch anyway". I'm telling you- Michael says the lines with such sly delivery. I adore the guy. It was nice to see Rose actually have some material she can do something with. And man, I loved Michael Biehn in this film. It was good to see him with material that he could sink his teeth into (so to speak). And there's something so enjoyable about watching Fergie be an early victim of the zombies. I don't know why I enjoyed it so much- but I did. And Freddy Rodriguez OWNS as El Wray. He just has this bad-ass attitude but manages to convey great warmth in his performance.

What I love about grindhouse (the actual genre itself)- is that even though the budget isn't there- the heart is. And "Planet Terror" has both working for it. And even when Muldoon explains exactly WHY what is happening is happening- you just accept it. This is a rollercoaster ride and you are enjoying yourself the entire time. The film is intentionally deteriorated and scratched- like true authentic grindhouse films. Beautiful.

Okay before I can comment on Quentin's contribution...we have some fake trailers to look at that played during the intermission. First is Rob Zombie's offering:


I could actually imagine this movie being made way back when. Rob has a good knack of understanding wacked movies from back in the day- and this is sublime. I love the fact that they had Nic Cage as "Fu Manchu"- "THIS IS MY MECCA!!!!!!!!" Awesome. The whole audience really loved this one.

Next up is a commercial for the Acuna Boys Authentic Tex-Mex Food. Wait a second, that was the name of Esteban Vihaio's gang in KILL BILL Vol. 2. Very good reference that your casual fan might miss. Now it's time for Edgar Wright's (Shaun of the Dead)contribution, DON'T...

By far this was the funniest trailer (although Machete is close behind)- with the repeated "Don't" used for excellent comedic effect. I love how accurate this is though about how the narrator would put a spin on a movie being scarier than it actually might be.

And finally, Eli Roth's offering- "Thanksgiving". What can I say about it that hasn't been said already? Wow. He totally captured the whole slasher trend of the early 1980s that focused on holidays. And the trampoline split? Yikes.

My favorite part is the deputy licking the blood and going, "It's blood"- and Michael Biehn does the dramatically cheesy, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

And now on to the second feature.


The movie opens with classic Quentin- a closeup of feet on a driving wheel. Quentin is an unabashed foot fetishist and makes it a point to focus on that body part in all of his films. The film opens with a rollicking opening which is "The Last Race" by Jack Nitzsche. We find Jungle Julia Lucai- a popular Austin DJ hanging out with her friends, Arlene and Shanna. The first half of the film has us getting to know these girls through dialogue. It's Julia's birthday and she is enamored with a filmmaker named Christian Simonson who we come to understand through dialogue is not as enamored with Julia. The girls spend a good portion of the movie talking about life- and their love lives. Arlene seems to be a bit on the conservative side as well.

Julia informs Arlene about a bit she did on the air. If any man calls Arlene "Butterfly" and buys her a drink, and recites certain segments of the poem, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"- will be rewarded by a lap dance. However, Julia tells Arlene that she can discriminate who she can or cannot give the lap dance to. Arlene is not too happy to go along with that but Arlene spots a car that belongs to a character we will know soon as Stuntman Mike.

Celebrating at a bar, there were no takers on the lap dance- which saddens Arlene a bit. At the bar, a childhood rival of the girls named Pam (Rose McGowan) arrives and needs a ride home. Lo and behold, the mysterious Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell) volunteers to drive her home. Pam is skeptical of the name "Stuntman Mike" until she asks Warren (Quentin Tarantino)- the head of the bar. He informs her that his name is indeed Stuntman Mike and Stuntman Mike is what else- "a stuntman". Pam notices that Mike has a vested interest in Arlene, Julia and Shanna. Speaking of Shanna, I loved her rant about "girls named Shanna hate being called Shauna"- because I have heard the same rant in real life from a real Shanna. So, Quentin knows how to pay attention to shit.

Mike begins to talk to Julia and her friends and asks if Julia is the local DJ. She confirms that she is and then Mike recites the segment of the poem to Arlene, buys her a drink and calls her "Butterfly". Originally, Julia tells Mike that Arlene already did the lap dance tonight- but Mike determines that she didn't. In fear of being called chickenshit, Arlene promises Mike the lap dance which leads to...

A MISSING REEL that is intentionally left out. By the way, I know the lap dance scene was filmed because it was shown in the trailer and also written in the script. So, in the DVD- I'm sure they will show the lapdance.

Pam and Mike leave- and Pam wonders exactly why the passenger seat is so fucked up. Mike discusses that its because Hollywood directors want cameras in those seats for certain shots. A bit confused, Pam still sits in the "passenger side". Mike then shows why his car is death proof (or at least his side) as he speeds the car and swerves it to have Pam injured and then speeds it up and breaks it hard to kill her by the impact of her body hit the Plexiglass side she's on. I felt bad that Pam died so brutally but they painted her to be so innocent and killing of an innocent is always the most traumatizing. And then Mike decides to kill the rest of his girlfriends (Julia, Arlene, Shanna) and in a beautifully constructed death scene put to the music of Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich- he does.

We see various shots of the each girl's demise. Julia's leg flying out the window- Shanna flying in the air and hitting the pavement hard- and Arlene closing her eyes bracing herself for the death as her head gets obliterated. Mike's car crashes and we are stunned and shocked at the carnage.

What Quentin managed to do is to have us know these girls and get to like them- and just with one fell swoop- kills them all. He has a knack for us hanging out with the characters that he will most likely take out somewhere during the movie (Jackie Brown is a prime example, and also Jules and Vincent talking in PULP FICTION is another).

We see that Texas Ranger Earl McGraw (Michael Parks again- fuck yeah!) and his son, Edgar (James Parks- the real life son of Michael who was in KILL BILL with him) are investigating the murders. Mike is alive and not too bad off- but the girls are all dead. Earl is convinced after talking with his daughter, Dr. Dakota Block (from PLANET TERROR) that Mike is the one who killed those girls. "A case of vehicular homicide"- with the car being used as the weapon. The D.A. won't do anything to Mike but Earl intends for Mike not to do that in Texas again.

Mike relocates to Tennessee and follows four new girls- Zoe Bell (a real life stuntwoman from Xena and KILL BILL), Abbernathy (Rosario Dawson), Kim (Tracie Thoms), Lee Montgomery (Mary Elizabeth Winstead)- an actress. Zoe and Kim are stuntpeople as well. And now, we get to know this group of girls as they exchange stories on their love lives and how Abbernathy deserved to have her filmmaker beau cheat on her when she wasn't giving it up. And Kim explains how she carries a gun and the necessity of using it. The best part was when Kim explained how carrying a knife is pointless.

"The thing about people who carry knives- you know what happens to them? THEY GET SHOT!"

Zoe's into getting a 1970 Dodge Challenger like the one in VANISHING POINT and test driving it. The girls meet the owner of the car, and Zoe/Abbernathy/Kim decide to test drive it while leaving Lee as collateral for the owner, a redneck named Jasper (who was the Trucker who was going to fuck the Bride in KILL BILL when the orderly was pimping her comatose body out).

Zoe and Kim then test out the car by having Zoe laying out on the front windshield as Kim drives at high speed. Mike- who has been watching them- speeds after them and crashes into them repeatedly- almost killing Zoe numerous times. After congratulating the girls on a good chase and a fun time- Mike is ready to leave but Kim shoots him in the arm. As he speeds away, and with Zoe ("The cat" who can survive anything) okay- the three girls decide to teach Mike a lesson.

Mike- who gets off on the collisions, cannot come and is forced to drink to soothe his wounds. Then, her comes Zoe who starts striking Mike with a metal pipe. Driving away, the girls chase Mike and then finally crash into him- causing him to break his arm. The girls proceed to beat the living shit out of him- and Abbernathy impales him with her boot.


I stood up and applauded the end and so did the rest of the audience. It didn't just end- it ended on a fucking exclamation mark. As much as I love Planet Terror, Death Proof really resonated with me. Perhaps, it's because it's Tarantino and I love his style and dialogue so much. Or perhaps, I'm a fan of movies like this. We got to hang out with the original first three "girls" and it really was painful to watch them die in such grisly ways (mainly Arlene who had such a sweet pain about her). It was so final, and there was such a horror about that. So, when he received his comeuppance at the hands of three girls who were the wrong ones to fuck with- I was overjoyed. His "apologies" at the end were hilarious.

I know originally Mickey Rourke was supposed to play Mike and I think he would have done a great job but this was really Kurt Russell's time to shine again and he absolutely kicked ass. The look he gave before he drove away with Pam was too cool. It's time for Kurt Russell to start fucking kicking ass in films again.

I felt horrible for Pam because she was so terrified and helpless. The look on her eyes before she passed was really powerful. Again, his payback at the end, was well worth it.

How awesome it was to see more of Michael Parks as Earl McGraw. And Edgar- his "Son Number 1". I want QT to do a whole spin-off series with those two. They're cinema gems.

And now I realize why I love Rosario Dawson so much. She's so sexy by not even trying to be sexy. I just adore her. And I have fallen for Zoe Bell. Her accent, her strength and sweetness.

All in all, a slam dunk. Quentin delivered just like Robert. GRINDHOUSE is not just a fucking movie, it's an epic event. If you don't see it in the theater- you are missing out and are a loser in my eyes. If you don't watch it period- you are twice the loser.

This movie is worth every penny I paid for it. And I am so thankful that I've gotten to see it. Kudos to everyone involved.

And the "Whatever with your however" line OWNS.
Sunday, January 28th, 2007
9:11 pm
A dream coming true- meeting Lance Henriksen
On Saturday, I went to the Florida Extravaganza- (FX show for short) and at that show, I was able to meet my favorite actor, Lance Henriksen. Now, when I say that I am a huge fan of Lance's work- I am not bullshitting. As a fan of cinema and an aspiring filmmaker, Lance represents all of the elements that I look for in an actor. He is powerful in his performance, has an uncanny ability to tell the story with just his face and expressions, etc. I am a huge fan of MILLENNIUM- and Lance's role of Frank Black. It was the one show that my late grandfather and I always made time for and watched. My grandfather also really adored Lance and thought that he was pound for pound- the greatest actor he's ever seen. One of my grandfather's biggest gripes with actors was them not doing their homework. He hated how David Duchovny could not realistically hold a gun on X-Files, but he saw Lance hold a gun on MILLENNIUM and said to me, "This guy has it down pat!"

I've seen Lance in just about everything- from MILLENNIUM to ALIENS (and ALIEN 3 and even God forbid, ALIEN VS PREDATOR) to NEAR DARK to Pumpkinhead. I've also watched him in DAMIEN: THE OMEN 2, COLOR OF NIGHT, horrible Shannon Tweed films and a movie with Joan Severance that I cannot recall off the top of my head. To me, Lance represents what I look for- someone so magnetic that he can make even the most unbearable film somewhat watchable- just for his performance.

So, he was really the actor I wanted to see the most. When I was in line, I was getting more and more nervous. I was very intimidated to meet Lance- because of how much I adore his performances and also because he has so many traits that I admire. The actors were charging for photographs/autographs. So, to have Lance sign my picture was $25.00. A little steep when I was expecting maybe $5.00- but to hell with it, Lance is worth a meager $25.00 that I could probably use somewhere down the road.

When I walked up to him, I told him that I was intimidated to meet him and a bit nervous. Lance told me that I have no reason to be nervous and hugged me- and immediately took 2 photos of me with the digital camera that my friend had in his hands.

Once we did that, Lance asked me where I was from and I said Virginia. He then asked for my name when he was signing the photo and I gave it to him. As he signed it, I told him I missed MILLENNIUM and he told me he's trying to get Chris Carter to write the script for the MILLENNIUM film but that Chris is too busy "surfing". I laughed and told him that I'm an aspiring filmmaker and that if Chris won't get off his lazy ass, I will write the film (considering that Chris hasn't even budged on the second X-Files script, and that Chris did very little on MILLENNIUM other than the pilot). Lance perked up and told me to write it.

I told Lance, "Any chance to see you and Sarah-Jane Redmond on the screen again, I will definitely work to make that happen." Sarah-Jane Redmond is another favorite of mine (definitely favorite actress) and she played Frank Black's antagonist, Lucy Butler (in other words the Servant of Satan) on the show. He told me that he loves her and she was wonderful. I then discussed how powerful those two were on screen together and I asked him about the acting choices they made in an episode called "Antipas". I was basically asking if certain moments in there with their acting was scripted or not. Lance told me that the two would just do it on the spot which I thought was cool. Lance then answered my question about whether or not he hand any training with handling weapons- because my grandfather (who is military-trained and knows) said that Lance seems to handle everything like an expert. Lance just said that he is a good learner and doesn't have any special training with handling the weapons. Lance then hugged me again and said it was nice meeting me and I told him that it was an honor. And from that, we left.

I must say, of all the actors I've met, Lance is a class act. The nicest fucking guy you can ever meet and one of the reasons why I am glad to be pursuing a film career. To have the honor to even create art with the hope that someone of Lance Henriksen's caliber possibly working with you- is such a thrill. And he is not pretentious, he seems like a regular guy. He's got a good soul and he really cares about his fans and the work he does.

Like I said, FUCK Chris Carter- I'll write the damn script. Chris can fucking give the green-light if he wants to. If Chip Johannessen, Michael Perry, Ken Horton and the other MILLENNIUM producers/writers don't want to work on it- fuck it, I'll write the script. Just because the world truly needs a film with Frank Black. The character was so upstanding and moral- the one voice of sanity in a truly insane world. I have always felt a kinship with that character.

I was going to meet Michael Biehn but he seemed a little perturbed when I saw him. Of course, my pea brain didn't realize that Michael was happy but that he is just reserved. So, I missed my chance to say hello to Michael. Fuck...

I got a chance to meet Christina Hendricks from FIREFLY (she played Saffron or Yo-Saf-Bridge if you want to combine her various aliases). She was an absolute doll. She shook my hand said who she was and answered my question about Saffron's true alias. She took a pic with me later on (which cost me $30.00 but hey, Christina is worth it!) and she remembered my name which I thought was cool. I laughed and told her I didn't realize how tall she was. She was like, "Well, it's mainly my heels". Trust me, she is tall. But she is so lovely and such a lady- with her soft-spoken self. And it was an honor to meet someone who played one of my favorite recurring characters on FIREFLY. And when I took with Adam Baldwin- it was quick but nice. Adam is a really class act and a real nice guy. Incredibly tall and imposing though. But once he starts talking, you realize how down to Earth he is.

What I enjoyed a lot was that no one was seeing the TNA (some Orlando wrestling promotion) girls who were down at the event. They used to be former WWE Divas- but man, they hit the wall really bad (it was Christy Hemme and Gail Kim who were there). And Christy Hemme must have searched in her closet and found her best "slut uniform" and decided to wear it to the event. I'm a fan of being sexy, but there was no class in her attire. Whereas, Christina looked amazing by dressing classy. And my friend, Jason, told me it was hard to not stare at Christina's chest. And I had to concur. God blessed her in all the right areas.

Here are some pics of the event. It was probably the happiest moment of my 27 years on Earth:

Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
3:54 am
War of the Worlds (beware spoilers for the 2 people who don't know the story already)
For a long time now I've been anticipating and also dreading the release of Steven Spielberg's adaptation of "War of the Worlds". Now, why is that? Well, I am a very avid follower of the War of the Worlds franchise since I was young. When I was in third grade, I became a rabid fan of the 1988-1990 War of the Worlds syndicated TV series. The series was a cult-hit and the premise of the show was that the aliens from the 1953 movie didn't die from the bacteria, but merely lapsed into a sort of suspended. And when they are resurrected in the present day, the possess human bodies as host bodies to carry out a guerilla warfare in order to finish colonization of Earth. I love this series so much that I was devoted to it- and I actually have a website devoted to it as well. I also read the H.G. Wells novel in third grade. Yes, at that early age, I was already familiar with the War of the Worlds world. I was such a nerd that I even read the fucking book to my cat when I was in third grade. I am familiar with the Orson Welles radio broadcast, I have the 1953 film and even the War of the Worlds comics. Hell, I'm even going to buy the Pendragon version of War of the Worlds (which totally follows the Wells book down to the period it occurs) on DVD now.

So, I was hoping that the new Paramount adaptation would be faithful and interesting and not be an ID4 clone which is funny because ID4 was a horrible rip-off of War of the Worlds (right down to the computer virus that stopped the invaders...totally ripped from WOTW and the bacteria element). I wanted to hate it. I wanted to bitch at Tom Cruise and Spielberg for making such a classic story "Hollywood". I wanted to hate this new War of the Worlds.

Did I hate it? No.

I fucking loved it.

I was shocked at how faithful the movie actually was to the source material (the original novel by HG Wells). Good job in getting Morgan Freeman to be the Narrator for the opening. His voice was hypnotizing and I was actually reciting the dialogue because well, I know War of the Worlds (and that opening is the beginning of the novel and the 1953 film as well). They never even said the aliens were Martians which was smart- they just focused on the invaders traveling to Earth because they looked upon the activity with envious eyes.

Kudos to the producers for casting a lot of the regulars from THE WIRE (my favorite show) on there such as Amy Ryan (who played the young mother with the child) and Peter Gerety (really solid actor and funny as fuck as Judge Phelan). And Tom Cruise's character was a stevedore- which makes me think more of a WIRE connection (could Spielberg be a fan of the show and make Tom his ode to THE WIRE's Frank Sobotka?).

What I liked about Tom Cruise's character was that his character was a complete selfish prick who didn't like to claim responsibility- but eventually takes it in the face of chaos.

I can't applaud Dakota Fanning enough. That girl is a wonderful child actress and her delivery is toe to toe with any of the actors in this movie. Her facial expressions and relationship with Tom Cruise were crucial.

Now, the aliens travel through lightning (the War Machines aka tripods) were already buried under the Earth- waiting to be operated by the aliens. There were no cylinders that fell to Earth (which happened in the book and movie)- and I know some purists will take offense to that but it gives credence to the whole lightning that occurred. Spielberg did his homework and made sure to reference the lightning, thunder (with no rain) and the electromagnetic disturbance that happened. He even nailed the dead watch (which mirrors Clayton Forrester's dead watch in the '53 film). And the aliens emerge early in this movie, and when they come out- oh shit, they annihilate everything in their path.

I like the sound and look of the flying warships in the '53 film and the TV series but the alien tripod in the movie was just fucking phenomenal to look at and the sound of the machines were completely eerie. And when Tom fled for his life- it was terrifying to watch people being incinerated by the alien "Heat-Rays". This was Wells' nightmare novel being fleshed out. The sense of hopelessness and anarchy that will prevail happens. The special effects were top notch and you just felt caught up in the action. From the moment the aliens were revealed, the tension would not stop.

The whole scene with everyone just turning on each other and pulling Tom out of his vehicle completely had the chaotic elements of the book and '53 movie captured. I think Tom perfectly captured the appropriate sense of hopelessness when he watched people murdering and committing vile acts just to get transportation. And was as devastating as watching the ship sail off and people who are trying desperately to escape, dying for freedom.

These tripods were absolutely brutal. They eradicated everything that stood in front of them. I didn't really understand the mentality of Tom Cruise's son- and I thought he kind of bogged the movie down with his inability to grasp the grand picture. He looked like he was obliterated at one point and then he's alive at the end? Oh well...I thought dramatically it would have been more powerful for the son to die because a choice had to be made- but oh well. I think there's probably other footage with the son dying.

The farm house scene was grand (brought back memories of Sylvia Van Buren and Clayton Forrester in the farm house in the movie)- and Tim Robbins nearly stole the entire movie. Interesting that he was named Ogilvy (another tie in with the novel) but his behavior was pretty much like the Artilleryman (in the novel too). I knew the alien telescope was going to arrive but I LOVE the way this alien telescope moved and worked (it was much better than the one in the '53 film). And I liked how the telescope CAME BACK LATER when they slept. Much much scarier than the old film where it kind of showed up and then popped back two seconds later. And people- the telescope is ORGANIC. It's not mechanical. Notice the blood that spurted from it? It is compeltely organic- it's been documented that it is- and I noticed the squirt of blood.

Now, let's talk about the aliens. I'm used to a certain design for the aliens but I liked this version too. The emphasis on three was good until I saw the two eyes...I thought facially it could be different, but they were appropriately scary. I also liked how the aliens were communicating with each other briefly in their own language (while looking at photos). It's humor like that that reminds me of the first season of the War of the Worlds TV series.

And in the end, the aliens collapse due to the bacteria. Good thing Morgan Freeman did the closing too because some people in the audience unfamiliar with the story would not be aware that the aliens succumbed to Earth's bacteria (which made the opening visuals cool- because it features close-ups of bacteria- which was the downfall of the aliens). Interesting that the movie mentioned God's infinite wisdom. Wells was always an atheist and his novel focused on the bacteria being an inherent part of the universe, not something that was about a miracle or revolved around God.

The intensity of this movie was so high that I thought the aliens might win (and I know this story better than just about anyone at this point). I loved the scene where we see an alien tripod using a human like cattle and draining him completely of his blood. It's horrifying and completely faithful to Wells' vision in the novel.

Go see War of the Worlds. I totally recommend it. Good job Spielberg and Tom Cruise....you're forgiven. Thank you for not ruining one of my most beloved franchises. Amazing job.

Current Mood: energetic
Sunday, March 27th, 2005
2:23 pm
Extraordinary Machine!
Download the entire album here:


It's fresh new Fiona- so enjoy!

Current Mood: awake
Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
11:06 pm
The future President of the US
Fuck Republicans. Fuck Democrats. This man should be allowed to rule this country. Vote for him people!


Current Mood: amused
Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
9:08 pm
Musings of a Loon....
Man, the last few weeks have just been absurd. Sadly enough, I've been forced to return to DialAmerica. Have I lost my mind? Of course not. In order to do that, you're assuming that I had a mind to begin with. Please, don't give me all that credit. Actually, my last job (CheapTrips) was a complete wash and I found out that all the benefits I was SUPPOSED to get are not coming my way. No health benefits at all, no commission. And the guy who was the manager (Greg) promised me all of this stuff. Really, I could give a rat's ass about commission but health benefits were really important for me. It was really the only motivating factor for me leaving DialAmerica. And then I found out that I was deceived the entire time. And in terms of money, CheapTrips was not much a money boost as opposed to DialAmerica. I mean, I have to give DialAmerica credit- they didn't have anything for me but they didn't deceive me. And also the guy, Greg was a complete dick. I mean, I hope he comes across me after I get paid this Friday. I will no qualms in letting him know what a deceitful jackass he is.

Not only does this guy think he's Zeus at this job but he relishes firing people. That's not inspiring- that's not cool. That's just retarded. He bragged about firing his assistant to us and he also relished firing an entire crew of people from one project just because it wasn't up to his standards. He has a habit of talking down to people and being a complete smart-ass. Which is all fine and dandy for most folks- but me, I'm not the type who just tolerates that. And I am inclined to be smart right back because I refuse to let anyone walk all over me. So, one day he wanted me to do customer service. I did it out of mere obligation. That day I did it, my voice was gone and I wanted to go home. I mean, I was really ill.

"Noooo....we need you!" a supervisor replied. Since, I liked that particular supervisor, I decided to stay. But I had no clue how to do customer service so the guy showing me said he would show me for the 3 hours I was there and then tomorrow I could do it. Cool, sounds good to me. I watched him and took notes but Greg comes over and goes, "Why aren't you taking calls?"

I explained to him rationally that I can't if I have no clue what I'm doing.

Then this shmuck stares at me. And he has these big aquarium sized glasses. I'm shocked that I didn't see a school of tropical fish swimming around in those enormous lenses. And one of his cockeyed eyes was looking at me. The other was looking sideways and everything. And he just stared at me. This prompted me to sigh and go,


I was just getting fed up with the shit and I realized that this guy is a total tyrant and not only that- but he lied about all the benefits I was supposed to get. Fuck that shit. I went back to my old job at DialAmerica and even though I am not happy with going back, I will say it feels more like home than the last job. And at least, they are straight up with me and respectful of me.
Friday, March 4th, 2005
10:56 am
Be Cool review....
Some die-hard Elmore Leonard purists may hate this follow-up to "Get Shorty" and in a way, I can understand why. "Get Shorty" had a lot of subtle comedy dashed with a very hip crime story. "Be Cool" (based on Leonard's novel of the same title) is more of an over-the-top comedy that parodies everything that is sacred in the music industry. I think "Be Cool" worked on many levels. Is it the same type of flick that "Get Shorty" was? No. This one is intended to be taken less seriously but if you watch closely- the movie itself ridicules everything in the movie and music biz. The opening scene where Chili Palmer says that a PG-13 movie can only say the word fuck once (which is in inside-joke since this film is rated PG-13 as opposed to the R-rated "Get Shorty")and then just intentionally goes and says it- gets things rolling. Chili is again the epitome of cool and has an amazing way with words. Some of the dialogue and events mirror exactly some scenes in "Get Shorty". So, when I saw Chili put on his gloves and tell a friend that he was not going to be in somewhere long- I knew he was going to kick someone's ass.

The characters are really the main draw of this film. Uma Thurman was good and filled the role of Edie niceley- however, she didn't really have a lot to do in the film. The much anticipated dance scene between Thurman and Travolta was decent- however, it isn't anywhere near dance scene in "Pulp Fiction". But, the real breakout stars of the movie were the new young up and coming actors, namely- The Rock and Andre 3000 (billed in here as Andre Benjamin).

Andre's character, Dabu, is automatically endearing because he just can't win. His exchanges with Chili are hilarious and I love his quirks (he has an itchy triggerfinger and slurps food extremely loud). And whenever Dabu and the other gun-toting rappers appear in a scene, they blast this hilarious rap song with the lyrics: "Ya'll niggas better play my shit" on a loop. You have to see it to fully appreciate it. And The Rock's character, Elliot Wilhelm becomes perhaps the breakout character. He is a gay Samoan bodyguard who is so eager to make it in the business that he auditions endlessly for Chili. But, it's The Rock who instills Elliot with his winning and hysterical personality. The Rock has a true winning charisma and it shows in every scene that Elliot appears in. But perhaps my favorite scene is when Elliot does an entire scene from "Bring it On". Words cannot do that particular scene justice. And Vince Vaughn was just so wonderfully over-the-top as the white wannabe gangsta, Raji.

This movie was just truly hilarious and I think a nice parody. Yes, it's less serious than "Get Shorty"- but it's meant that way.

Current Mood: awake
Friday, February 18th, 2005
7:35 pm
Yada Yada Yada...
Well, I finally was able to quit DialAmerica today. Yesterday, after work, I went to hand in my resume to this job that is basically another telemarketing job- except this time it's for Cheap Trips (one of the people who are my company's clients- Verizon is another). So, anyway, I go in with my resume, and they're so impressed with my past experience on call floors that they request that I have the interview that day. Sure no problem, I had nothing else to do that day. So, I go in and speak to the HR and in two seconds, I'm hired. And the great thing is that I can work 40 hours per week at this job and get health benefits (along with PTO and sick hours- something I was not receiving at the other job). Also, the starting pay was better at this place. Anyway, after I get hired, I immediately fuck up. What happened? I lost my fucking wallet as soon as I left the building. Naturally, I freak out and wonder where the hell it went to. After unsuccessfully scouring my new job for the location of my wallet- I went around all of Winter Park, trying to find this wallet. After failing to find it, I arrive back at my home and I call my Wachovia- cancelling my debit card immediately. As soon as I cancel my old card and order a new one- someone from Wachovia calls me and tells me that someone found my wallet.

I call this person up and beg them to stay there. They agree and when I arrive to the location, I learn that someone picked up my wallet and returned to it to someone at a ministry which is right by my job. I consider that a true act of divine intervention. I was so relieved that I found that wallet- that I hugged the good samaritan who called me about it profusely. I may have ended up impregnating her because I was so enthusiastic.

Today, after surviving the ordeal of Thursday, I go to my orientation for the job. It was pretty good- I must say there is this girl who works there who is just drop-dead gorgeous. She does not belong in telemarketing. I don't know where she belongs- but she's too precious to work. That's the only thing I can say. I get to spend two weeks with her in training and knowing my luck, I'll successfully accomplish nothing with her.

My roommates and I went to see "Constantine" last night and I was very impressed with it. First of all, I had no clue that the movie was based on a DC comic but the adaptation was excellent. If this DC's initial foray into the realm of films (since Marvel seems to be kicking ass with Spiderman, X-Men, etc.)- this is a good start. There is a lot of religious themes that play in this film and without really giving anything away- I will say that Peter Stormare (who was the nut in FARGO who put Buscemi in the wood chipper) is completely charismatic as Lucifer. And man, the ending is just kick ass. It's almost like the rug is pulled right from you and it works very well. Also, Tilda Swinton is very memorable as Gabriel.

But the one distracting element of watching that movie was this fucking woman who brought her baby into the theater. That damn child cried loudly throughout the movie (and they had to sit behind me naturally). Now, I have nothing against children because I act like one- but I think you shouldn't be allowed to bring a young child into a theater because it becomes a distraction for the entire audience. I sighed and sucked my teeth loudly (not to mention giving the woman dirty looks throughout the whole film)- but she didn't take the child out. Why take a baby into a theater and especially into an R-rated horror film? It doesn't make sense at all. There should be a new law that young babies are prohibited from theaters because some people pay their money to actually see the movies not hear the babbling of an infant. I think any person who brings their baby or young child into a theater should be arrested on spot. No trial, no jury- straight conviction.

And the previews for the movie was over 25 minutes long. I've never experienced something that agonizing. Although, the trailer for Batman Begins looks spectacular. There was a Brawny commercial before the movie though that seemed like some sort of strange gay porno. I don't want to go into too much detail, but it had the Brawny guy putting a guy on a countertop and it seemed like they were cuddling. It was pretty disturbing.

Current Mood: accomplished
Sunday, February 6th, 2005
10:03 pm
Work and Dissolutions....
You know, sometimes I have to laugh at the absurdities of my life. First of all, I had to endure a long-ass ridiculous day at that stupid job of mine. Now, not only did I lose my voice towards the end of my shift (which was shockingly productive) but I was annoyed to no end by this stupid supervisor who lives to give me advice that I don't want. Now, I know how to do this stupid job. I mean, in terms of call floors- I'm more experienced than all of those jokers at my job. But, for some reason, she wants to give me advice. But it's not even productive advice. It's crap that works for no one. So, today, this woman asked me questions about the free gift and the additional books we send out. I told her everything about it and then she didn't want to get the stuff. Okay, whatever- I'm not going to waste my time if someone doesn't want it. Why is that? Because I know how they feel so I won't pester them any futher and also because I'm not going to waste my time with them when I know the sale is a lost cause. It's a known science with people who have done this job for a long time. You can read the people over the phone and pretty much conclude beforehand what is going to happen.

But back to the story at hand, this supervisor starts to tell me how I failed with that call and why I had a sale (odd to me since the woman seemed hesitant about it to begin with). She then tells me, "You need to do the intro like this....you need to tell the people about how to send the stuff back. You need to stop beating around the bush. Also, confirm their address in the beginning. You need to personalize with them. Also, blah blah blankety blah".....

My response is: "Okay, number one if you took the rice out of your frigging ears- you could clearly hear that I told the woman everything in plain English. I am very clear and precise. Number two, I am going to fall asleep and daydream about giant crabs walking the Earth while you give me this advice that I don't need and never asked for. Number three, I will never confirm the person's address UNTIL THE END. If you ask for it in the beginning- they will get pissed off at you for being intrusive. You have to work up a rapport. Personalize? Excuse me, I'm here to sell them stupid books. I'm not here to hold their hands and go to the movies with them, okay? This is business not the Sadie Hawkins Day dance or something."

Then, to top a hard day at work- I come in and discover this girl who I had a very troublesome relationship with in VA got married. Now, why should that matter? Well, confession time- back when I was in VA (I found this out in late October I think), I was seeing this girl with a horrible name like a stripper. But the obvious name flaw aside, I really was good to this girl and we had plans for her to move down to Florida with me. However, I find out that she was not only seeing someone else behind my back- but she got a marriage license with this shmuck and then top it off with the fact that the jerk she's screwing around on me with is her boss.

After discovering that, I spiraled into a sense of sadness and outrage. This is why- I am very careful when I enter relationships because I fear getting hurt. I am seriously afraid of people hurting me- and this really struck a nerve. It's not like I am going to be naive and think that all women all like this. I know they're not. Sadly, it's just that most of the girls I date are just bitches (sorry for using that stereotype- but these girls fit the bill). But, if it wasn't for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", I probably would have sought some form of retribution against my traitorous ex. I swear, that movie really moved me and helped me through this situation. It's weird to think that a movie can save you- but that movie really got me through that period of my life.

I seriously wish my ex no ill will. I hope the best for her and I'm glad the final dissolution of the relationship is here. Shockingly enough, I still speak to her but I can never be the friend that I once was. How can I be? How can I trust her? I have a very big issue with trust. I'm loyal to every friend I have and twice as honest and loyal to every girl I dated- regardless of how bad things can get. So, this is a weird moment for me but oddly, it's liberating to know I can put that negative stuff behind me now.

Current Mood: blah
Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
4:08 pm
The Breakout Star of 2005
This guy needs his own late night talk show. This guy is comedy goldmine. Introducing: Leroy Wells.


title or description

Current Mood: giggly
Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
1:21 pm
The Best Show on Television- a Tribute to THE WIRE.
title or description

In the midst of the garbage that currently pollutes television (endless reality shows, Desperate Housewives, etc.), I'm very thankful that there are still excellent shows out there- and the best example is THE WIRE which just finished concluded its third season. And I must say, the third season was a confirmation of why this show is one of the greatest programs ever. In a weird way, if HBO doesn't decide to renew the show (the show is critically heralded but suffered in the ratings this season- mainly because it was up against football and Desperate Housewives)- the season finale seemed to wrap the entire show perfectly. Everything seemed to come together full circle.

It can be a very difficult show to watch because it unfolds like a novel and viewers expecting immediately (and easy) gratification will not be satisfied early on. Each season is a new case- so the episodes slowly start to weave together the overall storyline. But, the payoff is tremendous and the facts in those beginning episodes is vital. Dialogue from certain episodes will be repeated in later episodes- in different contexts and can possibly foreshadow a character's fate.

This show also has created so many memorable characters. I won't even start to list them all- but my personal favorite character is the stick-up artist known simply as Omar (his full name is Omar Little- but his very name strikes fear into rivals). At this point, the character has almost become mythic and he stands out from most of the other characters because he fits into no institution. THE WIRE focuses mainly on the failures of specific institutions (whether it's politics, on the law side or with the drug dealers)- and Omar is a man with his own specific code. He's openly gun and will turn his shotgun on you in a moment- but he will never put his gun on anyone who is not in the game. It is interesting facts like this that make Omar the guy that we actually root for on the show.

I'll praise this show more in future posts- but I think this serves as a wonderful tribute to a show that is the sole reason why I still subscribe to HBO.

Current Mood: awake
Saturday, January 8th, 2005
10:23 pm
Greetings from Florida....
Why the hell didn't I leave Virginia earlier? I absolutely adore it down here in Florida. Right now in the midst of winter- I'm freezing in the frigid 80-something degree temperature. This place truly feels like a home. I love my townhouse- it's so freaking beautiful and I like having my bedroom upstairs. Also, I have my tv/vcr/dvd player in my room- with my grandmother's gigantic bed. At last, I truly feel like I have found a good home.

Before I left, on the 24th, I had to leave Fredericksburg early. My grandmother was unable to handle me leaving and tried to basically unleash her pain out on me. She just felt isolated and alone and was unprepared for me to leave. So, she cursed at me and basically caused an ugly scene. So, I just was totally fed up with it- and I left for Richmond that day. I then forgave my grandmother the next day (Christmas)- and we're doing okay. I mean, I don't blame her for anything. She's been great to me and I love her tremendously. It's just time to leave and I can't live with the woman anymore. But, I mean, I love my grandmother. She raised me since I was 2 1/2 and she feels alone now that I'm gone (and my grandfather too)- but I have assured her that I'm not going anywhere. And that this is just a new type of beginning. She calls me every five seconds but it doesn't bother me. I would feel incredibly crappy if I didn't have a close relationship with my grandmother. She's basically the only real family I have (bloodwise). So, I want her to enjoy the remainder of her life- she finally quit that horrible job of hers. She worked there for 16 years- I'm so thankful she left there. And I'm thankful her and I will enjoy our lives now.

Well, I left for Florida on the 26th (at 4am)- and we drove straight to Florida. At first, we were making great time until a damn snowstorm suddenly hit North Carolina. I was asleep at the time- and I woke up to our car spinning around- sliding left and then right on a busy interstate. I expected my side to be hit because it was the vulnerable side. However, we were fortunate enough not to crash and just drive out of our snow-filled dilemma. However, by the time we made it to South Carolina, it was night (and we lost so much time due to the snow)- we decided to spend the night there in a South Carolina hotel. Now, South Carolina is extremely ghetto. I mean, my roommate and I went to this one diner that was filled with old ghetto black people. Not just old- but they were fossils! I was filled with trepidation as I eat the food- I mean, they had the electricity off and on continuously. As I said- ghetto. Then, the next day on Monday- we drove straight to Florida and made it to Winter Park, Florida around 1pm. Now, let me inform you- there is no winter in Florida. It's 80 degrees today- and it's January! I just love this place, the scenery, the open roads and every girl here is hot beyond belief. I love that the Best Buy has palm trees around it. And it's such a classy area- thank God I jetted from Fredericksburg.

I don't really have anything to do for a while so I figured to take up a job to occupy my time. There's this telemarketing (God, am I glutton for punishment or what?!) firm by my house and I got the job on my second day in Winter Park. Basically, I filled out my application and attached my resume and handed it in to someone. Then, I heard this knock at the door- so I opened it up. At the door was this gorgeous short dark brunette broad with food in her hands. This girl looks like she stepped out of a pinup magazine- she looks like a modern day Bettie Page. After thanking me profusely, she enters and sits at her desk. I notice her nameplate and she tells me, "You got the job". And this girl has an interesting name (Ligia)- I swear, in no time, I bet I can seduce her. I know I can cause I was pulling every seduction trick out of my bag during my time there and let me tell you, it worked. I love teasing members of the opposite sex. The thrill of the game is so fun. In all seriousness though, I'll try to be level-headed at work. I'm only working there for the extra cash. It's not like I'm all about this telemarketing gig.

Well, this has been the week of training and I'm reminded by this job why I despise call floor jobs. It's one of the easiest jobs I have yet meanwhile I can't stand the phony nature of it. Okay, when I came in on Monday for my first day (of training no less)- this main guy at the company sort of got pissed at me for not wearing a tie. Now, I didn't know I had to wear a tie for this absurd job. Secondly, I'm not the type of person you want to get in the face of. I was already dressed up for the job. I was wearing a long sweater for God's sake (with khakis and dress shoes) in the Florida heat! So, I wanted to ask this nimrod exactly wear the tie could fit on my sweater but I just kept quiet. I mean, who gives a crap if you're wearing a tie at a job where no one can see you? Besides, it's not like I'm handling loans or have access to stocks like Nelnet- this job I'm at now is so stupid. I'm selling free books for children. I could care less about the whole thing- I only care about the money. And thankfully, I don't have to put up with this nonsensical job for long. But, you should hear these numnuts...like they hit bells everytime they get a sale and the supervisors put the sales on the boards- and they start cheerleading stuff like, "Way to go Mindy! Only two more and you can join the 24 club! Come on, don't talk to your neighbors- we're in the power hour!" There's this one bloated dumb supervisor named Rex (who I've dubbed Tyrannosaurus Rex because of his corporate kiss-ass nature and his well...portly physique) who is the worst culprit of this nonsense. The guy cheerleads all day and goes, "Come on- way to go! Sell those Disney Babies Books! Come on!" And these wackos make the lights flicker on and off during the last hour that they call "The Power Hour". I swear, I just want to fake a seizure in the middle of the call floor- and just see if I could sue them.
These people are such a bunch of phonies. I worked my entire shift (for four days straight now) without one break (because I have to ask them for permission to go on the break- and no one responded to my query)- and I also had a problem with the connection to the phone. The supervisors were like, "Oh, the customers are just lying...." Ummm, I'm losing sales because of this shoddy reception, I think it's more than that. The people on the floor are so freaking loud and the supervisors loud cheerleading doesn't help any. I think this place may be more trash than PDS. And the supervisors there didn't even acknowledge my gripes. I had 19 sales one day but today, I lost so many because of the dumbasses on the phone screwing up the reception of my phone. But, eh, at least today was okay because I sat beside this one girl named Rebecca Smith- who intrigued me only because she kept freaking staring at me when she thought I wasn't looking at her. She should know- I never focus on a stupid call floor job. My mind is a million miles elsewhere. But she kept freaking staring at me like I was some prize or something. I'm shocked she didn't go the third grade route by writing a letter and handing it to a friend who gives it to me. Cute girl and all but she might as well be direct. I despise the coy approach.

I swear though I want to rip out that one supervisor's salivary glands. He's so freaking annoying.

I'll post more later.

Current Mood: awake
Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
2:09 am
In the "I Can't Believe This Shit is For Real" Department
After reading this story, I feel inspired. I have a hamburger that bears the image of Jesus Christ. I'm willing to sell it to the highest bidder. Any takers?

Bidding Ends at $28K for Cheese Sandwich

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. (AP) - A woman who said her 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich bore the image of the Virgin Mary will be getting a lot more bread after the item sold for $28,000 on eBay.

GoldenPalace.com, an online casino, confirmed that it placed the winning bid, and company executives said they were willing to spend ``as much as it took'' to own the 10-year-old half-sandwich with a bite out of it.

``It's a part of pop culture that's immediately and widely recognizable,'' spokesman Monty Kerr told The Miami Herald. ``We knew right away we wanted to have it.''

Photos posted on eBay show what can be viewed as a woman's face emblazoned on the sandwich, a bite taken out of one end. Bidding closed Monday.

In a statement, GoldenPalace.com CEO Richard Rowe said he planned to use the sandwich to raise money for charity. Kerr and Steve Baker, CEO of GoldenPalace's management company, Cyberworld Group, flew to south Florida on Monday to make arrangements for a sandwich handover from its owner, Diana Duyser.

``I would like all people to know that I do believe that this is the Virgin Mary Mother of God,'' Duyser, a work-from-home jewelry designer, said in the casino's statement.

The online auction site initially pulled the sale, saying it didn't post joke items. The page was restored after the company was convinced that Duyser would deliver on the bid, said eBay spokesman Hani Durzy.

Duyser said she took a bite after making the sandwich 10 years ago and saw a face staring back at her. She put the sandwich in a clear plastic box with cotton balls and kept it on her night stand. She said the sandwich has never sprouted a spore of mold.

Current Mood: amused
Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
5:31 pm
Fiona Apple's new album "Extraordinary Machine" has been shelved by SONY because they say it doesn't have a single. Fionahaswings.com along with freefiona.com and Yahoo! Group LOVE RIDDEN have come together to unite Fiona fans to help get her record released. If you are a fan of Fiona Apple or just a music fan who hates being told what you should listen to by corporate giants visit www.fionahaswings.com for information on helping the cause.
Thursday, November 4th, 2004
6:02 pm
Funniest video I've seen in a long time...
Words cannot do this video clip justice. It's the most hilarious thing I've seen in a good while:

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
4:16 pm
3:36 pm
NEW RULES- my personal favorite- just for the election
It is time for New Rules, ladies and gentlemen!

All right. New Rule: If you were surprised that Ashlee Simpson was lip synching, you aren't allowed to vote. Not knowing that mechanically-generated tween-agers lip synch is like believing your stripper's real name is Cherry Bomb.

New Rule: This election day in Florida, to make up for Republican dirty tricks in 2000, black Floridians must go into white districts and hang around the polling places and scare white people away. Just like at the ATM, the far end of the subway and theaters showing kung fu movies. So say hello to your new Palm Beach County Election Commissioner, Willie Horton.

New Rule: You can't call it a treat if everyone hates it. We toppled Saddam Hussein. Why can't we get rid of candy corn? Anyone who hands this stuff out on Halloween hates your children and wants them to die. They just don't have the guts to stick a razorblade in an apple.

New Rule: Scientology makes you fat. Kirstie Alley, Lisa Marie Presley, John Travolta: fat, fat, fat! L. Ron Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch his old dog a bone. But it was gone because his followers scarfed it! Let's be honest. It's not a religion. It's just an excuse for a bake sale.

Speaking of food, New Rule: No McDonald's in hospitals. I'm not kidding! They are putting McDonald's in hospitals. Hello? You're doctors. You're not supposed to be in the repeat-business business. This is like if John Edwards covered the floor outside his trial law office with banana peels. Sorry, Fast Food Nation, but we already figured out a way to screw patients. They're called HMO's.

And finally, New Rule: If you don't want to be called a fear monger, don't make an ad that says America is being attacked by wolves. Yes, it's true, the only thing that stands between us and packs of carnivores eating us alive is a retarded cowboy, his heart-diseased sidekick and their lesbian daughter, Butch. Now, this advertisement is an insult to wolves everywhere. And if wolves could respond, here's what they'd say:

[Bill puts on wolf's head] With apologies. Now, as a member of the Wolf Political Action Committee, or Wolf PAC, I'm outraged at this vicious slur against lupine Americans. Let me say this as plainly as I can: the only thing I have in common with Osama bin Laden is that we're both running free. Also, I happen to know that three of the wolves in that ad are backing Kerry. They just needed the work. Wolf actors have to take any part that comes along. We're like midgets that way.

But the thing that really has my teats in a wringer – is that George Bush's propaganda machine has done more harm to the image of wolves than anything since that bitch, Little Red Riding Hood. And this from a president who spends every free moment on his "ranch" clearing brush. You call it brush, I call it my habitat. The man's hobby is deforestation.

And by the way, if there's not livestock on the property - and believe me, I've checked – it's not a ranch. What I'm saying is that President Bush has quietly built up the worst environmental record of any president since Andrew Jackson stopped killing Indians by hand!

Look at the air we breathe. I mean, look at it! I wanted to howl at the moon last night. I just couldn't see it! This wolf has been working the mountains. Of course, he's a wolf. The terrorists I worry about work for the Department of the Interior. President Bush, or as our Indian friends call him, "Dances Around the Facts," President Bush speaks constantly about how he's the guy to protect us. But what about protecting us from what's actually killing people right here, right now?

I don't know how the environment got to be the lost issue of the 2004 election, but may I suggest on Tuesday, instead of voting your pocketbooks, vote your lungs; vote your kidneys. Vote your gall bladder. Vote for the organs that are going to have to process all the toxic shit that is in the sky, the ground water, the food supply and the pharmacy. Vote your grandkids' DNA. Vote for a president who won't hand the job of protecting the environment over to former oil and lumber executives because when you get right down to it, that would be like asking me to keep an eye on your sheep.
Sunday, October 31st, 2004
5:17 pm
More New Rules...courtesy of Bill Maher
All right. It is time for New Rules, ladies and gentlemen. (picture of John Kerry windsurfing is up) All right, New Rule: Hey, enough with the vacations. We see pictures of you on bikes. We see pictures of you on skis. We see pictures of you on a windsurf board. Hey, Michael Dukakis just called. He wants to know if you want to borrow the tank. From now on, your sport is slinging mud.

You'll like this one. New Rule: Cuddling is for girls. The latest rage in New York is "cuddle parties," where grown men and women put on pajamas and just cuddle. Pardon me while I throw up. Participants say it's not about sex, it's about intimacy. No, it's about sex. You're just so neurotic and emasculated that you've decided to skip the screwing entirely and go right to the boring part afterwards. The only time a man should say, "I need a hug," is if he's choking.

New Rule: I don't give a shit how fast your kid read the last Harry Potter. That doesn't make him gifted. This kid is gifted. [photo of teenage father of Mary Kay Latourneau's children] And the only thing he's ever read is a home pregnancy test.

New Rule: If you're watching people play cards on TV, you either need a better hobby or a drinking problem. First, there was "Celebrity Poker." Then there was "Celebrity Blackjack." I saw one show that was just Camryn Mannheim scratching lottery tickets.

What's on TV has to be at least as interesting as what's on the average security monitor at a convenience store.

And finally, New Rule: You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. 9/11 wasn't a triumph of the human spirit. It was a fuck-up by a guy on vacation.

Now, don't get me wrong, Mr. President. I'm not blaming you for 9/11. We have blue-ribbon commissions to do that. And I'm not saying there was anything improper about your immediate response to the attacks. Someone had to stay in that classroom and protect those kids from Chechen rebels.

But by the looks of your convention, you'd think that the worst thing that ever happened to us was the best thing that ever happened to you. You just can't keep celebrating the deadliest attack ever as if it's your personal rendezvous with greatness. You don't see old men who were shot down during World War II jumping out of a plane every year. I mean, other than your dad.

But even your dad didn't run for re-election based on a recession and his propensity to barf on the Japanese. Now, I know you'd like us all to get swept away with emotionalism and stop sweating the small stuff like the deficit and the environment, and focus on what's really important: how you look in a fireman's hat. But crying during your speech? I mean, come on! There's no crying in politics! It's not fair! That's a trick chicks use. How are we supposed to discuss this rationally if you're going to cry?! There's a name for people who exploit their participation in historical events for political gain. They're called the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

So I say, if you absolutely must win an election on the backs of dead people, do it like they do in Chicago, and have them actually vote for you.
2:37 pm
New Rules- courtesy of Bill Maher
All right, it is time for New Rules, ladies and gentlemen.

All right. New Rule: God is a waffler. This week, we learned that God told Pat Robertson that Iraq would be a bloody disaster. But the same God told George Bush it wouldn't. Which so surprised Robertson, he almost dropped the pennies he was stealing off a dead woman's eyes. But why is God talking out of two sides of His mouth? Flip-flop, flip-flop! God told us to beat our swords into ploughshares. God... wrong on defense. Wrong for America.

New Rule: Stop wallowing! Three years after 9/11, ballparks still insist on a giant seventh inning buzz kill with a somber rendition of "God Bless America." You know, there's a thin line between loving America and stalking it. Please, we've already sung the National Anthem. Now let me honor America the right way: by getting drunk on over-priced beer and yelling obscenities at millionaires on steroids.

New Rule: Donald Trump must go even farther with his hair and comb it completely over his face.

New Rule: Soldiers have to follow orders. In World War II, there was none of this "we're not going because we don't have the right equipment." You want equipment, join the Swiss Army. If your order is to ride a skateboard through a minefield to deliver a Zagnut Bar to Donald Rumsfeld - I'm sorry, that's the deal with the Army. Because you know what happens to soldiers who disobey direct orders? That's right. They become the President of the United States! Please, they'll think we live in a blue state.

New Rule: I don't need my cell phone to take pictures or access the Internet. I just need it to make a phone call. From everywhere! Not just from the places it likes. I'm not attempting a wireless mobile uplink to the Space Shuttle. I'm just finding out what time "Shark's Tale" is playing. When it comes to cell phones, I just need the basics: something that rings at inappropriate moments, interferes with airline safety and gives me a brain tumor.

And finally, this one goes out to all the conservative women out there. New Rule: If you're so sure the embryos needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't be destroyed, then implant one in your uterus and bring it to term.

That's right. Put your cervix where your mouth is. Now, right now in America, there are thousands of stem cells sitting in fertility clinics that are not allowed to be used for research, will be destroyed after a year or two, and could be right now implanted in a lady's hoo-hoo - to make a screaming, mewling infant that would, ironically, make you sorry you were ever born.

Now here's how far back along the chain of life stem cells are. They're called stem cells because they haven't even decided what kind of cells they're going to be. So it's very close to declaring that life begins when you're just thinking about fucking somebody. Which is just about how most right wing prudes like George Bush would like it. The last people in Washington this obsessed with preserving sperm were Monica Lewinsky and her dry cleaner. This is, after all, an administration that absolutely hates Planned Parenthood. But then again, judging by Iraq, they hate planned anything.

Did you know that our president spent the entire month before 9/11 on his ranch working on the stem cell issue, trying, as he said, "to bridge the worlds of ethics and science." Seriously, could there be anything George Bush knows less about than ethics and science?

Okay, it comes down to this. Here's something that may be life. A tiny speck of sub-atomic goo. Here's something that is life: Michael J. Fox. One is invisible to the naked eye. The other was in "Back to the Future." With research properly funded, scientists believe we could do everything from curing Parkinson's to regenerating spinal cord tissue in Democrats.

So, ladies of the far right, what do you say? There are thousands of extra embryos sitting around in fertility clinic freezers all over America right now just waiting for a good home. There's no obligation and no salesman will call. So, ladies, if you're not going to finish those eggs, come on, go ahead, knock yourself up!

Current Mood: apathetic
Monday, October 25th, 2004
8:51 pm
God...I love juvenile humor
Why do I love laughing at things that are so ridiculously childish and crude? I guess when I'm 80, I'll still be the same way. Last night, Marci and Mary informed me of this puppet porn movie called, "Let My Puppets Come". Since, I'm a huge fan of "Meet the Feebles"- I have to see another adult puppet movie.

Now, I present to you this:


Something about the Smurfs and smut always makes me smile. Check out the celebrity cameos in this clip.

Current Mood: awake
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